


Dobby Is No Cheap Whore

by Kristalii (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Badly Written, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Broken Bones, Crack, Crack Relationships, Curb stomping, Dark Crack, Dobby (Harry Potter) Lives, Fucked Up, Graphic Description of murder?, Guns, Gunshot Wounds, Hagrid and Winky are cousins, Hogwarts, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Kinda, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mentioned Harry Styles, Mentioned One Direction, Multi, Other, Read at Your Own Risk, School Shootings, Stabbing, Tentacles, Why Did I Write This?, a lot of mentioned sexual stuff but it is not described, dobby is packing, hagrid hates hermione, hagrid is a murderer, hagrid shoots up hogwarts, i dont actually ship any of this, im so sorry, mentioned necrophilia, mentioned threesome but it is not described really, oh yea- hagrid and dumbledore had a friends with benefits relationship in the past, really badly written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:35:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24117370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Kristalii
Summary: When date night goes wrong.
Relationships: Dobby/Giant Squid, Dobby/Rubeus Hagrid
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Dobby Is No Cheap Whore

**Author's Note:**

> I HIGHLY suggest you make sure to read the tags. Please.  
> I didn't try on this, and I don't feel like checking for any typos and such.
> 
> This is kind of really fucked up??? A really badly written and fucked up crackfic.  
> Like no seriously id be afraid if I were you lol  
> read at your own risk I guess.

Hagrid was thrilled. Dobby and he would have a 2-month anniversary tonight. He couldn't be any more excited than he was now.  
Dobby walked up behind Hagrid, the halls spilling with children. He pulled at Hagrid's boot and Hagrid almost tripped- but he didn't.  
Dobby batted his eyes up at Hagrid and Hagrid looked at Dobby with very nice eyes.

"Wha' are yeh doing, Dobbeh?" Hagrid boomed loudly. Dobby giggled.

"Dobby was wondering if Dab and Hagrid, sirs, date night is still on.- hehe~.."Dobby said meekly.  
Hagrid smiled innocently, reaching down to grab Dobby's hand. Their hands were extraordinary sizes. So different from each other in size, but alike in spirit. Just like the rest of them.  
Except dobby was packing. Hagrid, however; was not.  
Hagrid spun dobby around, both of them giggling like school girls.

Hagrid slammed dobby against the wall. Dobby's neck broke. Haridi was not too worried because this had happened only a billion times before. He could see blood dripping from Dobby's neck and the bone sticking out from his skin.  
He checked dobby's heart rate and found his heart was not beating. Hagrid sniffled. Tears welling up in his eyes- but he was not going to cry because this was his fault. So he sucked the tears back in like when you suck a macaroni noodle down your throat.

Hagrid picked up dobby's delicate elf body and carried him to his hut. Hermione saw Dobby and Hagrid as she was walking to the library. She checked Hagrid out because she had always been attracted to hairy people. Hagrid put his hand up in a stop kind of motion and Hermione frowned but stopped. Instead, she opened her mouth to talk with that annoying voice that sounded like a camel had their nasal blocked while eating jello.

Hagrid smiled menacingly at Hermione because he knew she was attracted to him and his very hairy beard but he absolutely wanted to stab her every time he saw her. She irrationally made him very angry. He wanted to put her in a very big blender and blend her alive. But he wouldn't because he was a kind person. 

"Wha's up Hermione yo-yo ?"  
Hermione's eyes twinkled with delight as she pointed at dobby.  
"Is he dead?" she said  
Hagrid nodded glumly and breathed in very loudly. Then he walked away from Hermione because he hated her and needed to be alone with dobby.

He got to the hut and sat dobby down at a romantic candlelight dinner. He then went and grabbed a wedding dress and put it on Dobby's body.  
After they finished eating the delicious meal prepared by himself, Hagrid took a box from his pocket.  
He looked at dobby and then stood from his chair and kneeled down and opened the box.  
there was a very shiny huge diamond ring that had magic pouring off the ring. He placed it gently on dobby's finger and then smiled. He said his vows and then they were married. boom. just like that.

Hagrid was going to eat a feast. Hagrid took a knife from the counter and stabbed dobby. He stabbed him 5 times. He could feel the knife sinking deeper and deeper into dobby's porcelain skin. He could almost feel the body heat from the knife. Each time blood would drop from the sharp point of the knife. The skin felt a little elastic. 

He then tried to slice through, it felt a little like a chicken breast but it was very hard to do. He had to pull with all of his muscle and toned arms strength. He sliced through the layers of his skin and then blood burst out and covered hagrid's face. Hagrid licked around his lips. savoring the sweet, honey-like taste, it had a raspberry undertone too. It was like pie filling except not as thick as pie filling. He hummed happily. Then he saw dobby's intestines spilling from his body and had a feast.

When he was done he then took part in some necrophilia.

Dobby awoke after and smiled because he wasn't ACTUALLY dead, which was pretty rad if you ask me. Pulling a lil bit of a harry on yeh. That was what Hagrid thought though.  
"DOBBY! YER ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" HAGRID YELLED VERY LOUDLY. 

Dobby blushed and tucked his nonexistent hair behind his ear but not hair since he was bald he tucked instead his very flabby skin from his head behind his ear.

"Yeah dobby is alive, babe hagrid, sexy beast sir. " dobby replied cutely and winked. His intestines falling a little out of his stomach adorable and uniquely.  
They looked deeply into each other's eyes and then charged and kissed each other very hard.  
Then even though dobby was meant to die soon, they fucked. They did it for 10 years straight. Because it kept him alive.

Don't get me wrong, though, they may fuck often but dobby is no cheap whore. he respects himself. He has no STDs.except for maybe herpes.

On the last day, Dobby knew he was going to die soon and told Hagrid what he wanted for the last day; a threesome with himself, Hagrid, and the giant squid.  
Hagrid wasn't too happy with this- he wanted to be selfish and keep dobby all to himself on this special day, but he knew it would make dobby happy so he did it. They got to the lake and slowly undressed, even though there were some students nearby and also Minerva was near too for some reason she was also eating a very juicy cantaloupe. 

anyway, they got undressed and the giant squid peaked some of its tentacles out of the watery and sparkly water. it was very slimy and gross and it went up dobby's thigh, bounding him in a place like how hagrid would bound dobby with his intestines that were falling out a little bit...  
but as soon as it got mid-thigh, wrapping around him, he died. He couldn't take the pleasure. 

Hagrid screamed and ran away. so much in despair and distress, he didn't even look back at Dobby. He walked into his hut and saw a fang who was slobbering everywhere.  
he looked deeply and passionately into fangs eyes and patted him on the head.

"Yer a good boy fang. thank yeh fir sticken wi' meh durineh this..." 

He walked away from fang and went into his top-secret hideout with a top-secret safe that was the size of Gringotts itself. He opened it and stepped inside.  
In the middle, there was a very beautiful tall flower vase. decorated with swirls and stars. He looked on the inside and saw a MAT-49 and 12 one direction CDs. he took the cd's and played the music while he took the gun and marched into the castle. 

He was looking for harry. harry potter. the stupid boy. not to be confused with the amazing harry styles that had kidnapped him after his mother sold him in one direction. so his father was actually Harry Styles that he used to carry on his shoulders he also died later.

he marched into the school, into snape's classroom because he KNEW harry would be there. he took him out of the classroom and snape didn't mind even though he saw the gun because he hated harry. he knew lily would be a little mad though so he tried saying no a little bit.  
"EY` SNAPE. I NEED `ARRY. RIGH` NOW."

Snape darted his eyes between Hagrid and Harry and reluctantly nodded.  
They heard gunshots a few seconds later.

Hagrid had picked Harry up and threw him into the air, tears falling down his smooth and beautiful skin. Harry hit the ceiling and started peeling off like a noodle and when he was falling Hagrid shot him a ton. bullets going straight through his lean and lanky body.  
the blood was falling a little as Harry was falling. Then he hit the floor and there was a splat.  
Harry wasn't exactly dead yet, though. he saw hagrid and frowned, opening his mouth he said;  
"Please.. if you are gonna do this at least end me quickly..."  
Hagrid shook his head sexily. 

"No. " He said with a gruff voice. "You are the reason my dear beloved dobby is dead. YOU freed him and that's why he is dead. "

Hagrid stalked off, his boots clicking off the floor. 

he then shot up the entire school, none of the students were spared. none of the teachers, either.  
he also beat up Hermione really badly, stabbed her in the arms twice, shot her 12 times, and transfigured a blender to be huge and blended her, in the end, the only thing not blended was her teeth. he took them and stuck some in his gums in the gums that were missing teeth and ate the rest. munching and crunching. they tasted like popcorn. 

Then he went and killed all the house elves except Winky. He looked winky straight in the eye. only a singular eye because he had taken her left eye out 5 years ago to get back at her for a prank.  
winky stood up straight but you could see her shaking a little from fear. Winky had always been scared of Hagrid since they were cousins...then Hagrid curb-stomped winky. BUT the kitchen set on fire because the house elves were making lunch but now they can't... 

THEN Dumbledore, who Hagrid forgot about, walked in. He was wondering why all the kids were dead and teachers and house elves.  
but walked into the flames accidentally... his skin started melting off of his bones and he accepted that he was going to die. so he opened his arms so a crying Hagrid and he could hug and cuddle like old times. when they were in a loving friend with benefits relationship... Hagrid fell into his arms and cried.  
both of their skin fell off their bones together. Hagrid knew this was the end, and he accepted it. closing his eyes forever.

He lived happily ever after.  
THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> So? I hope you liked it? Made you laugh? cringe? 
> 
> I came up with this at around 4 am on a call with a friend. I just started like saying a fanfic in detail (this fanfic) to her for like 45 minutes straight. She was horrified at first but then she read this when I wrote it so- you know. 
> 
> ALSO, why can I write nonserious and bad fanfiction more than regular serious ones? Usually, it would take me weeks to o 600 words but I did this all in one sitting...????


End file.
